Hope you are all doing well on this beautiful summer day. Today I wanted to post on something I will be discussing in more detail in my book discussing the breakups of close female friendships. Today I’m going to be discussing the process of losing yourself in a relationship or friendship.
For me it is natural to forget about myself completely and go invisible in relationships or friendships. For a long time I assumed that this was because I was picking overbearing people to be in my life but that actually was not completely the case. A significant cause of me going invisible and losing myself in relationships and friendship was me. Losing myself is something that I learned to do a long time ago and I am just now, at age twenty four, unlearning this destructive concept and way of life.
Going invisible is a pattern for me. It starts with not knowing who you are and not knowing how to articulate what you want and need. You go into a zone where you completely ignore the voice inside of yourself and eventually you forget what the voice inside of you sounds like. I wrote a piece when I was going through my break up with my first boyfriend five years ago that touches on this topic. I named this piece, “Never press the mute button on yourself.”
Four days before Christmas the year before I turned twenty years old, I broke up with my first boyfriend and while I was recovering from that breakup I came to a revelation. Every time my boyfriend said or did something that just simply did not sit well with me and something I knew deep down in my gut would not change, I pressed the mute button on myself.
Our inner voice usually tells us when something is not right or when we are simply not okay with how another human being is treating us. Many of us pay attention t this voice at first and we tell the other person how we feel. This pattern continues and it reaches a point where the other person tells us this is just the way they are and they are not changing for anybody. Usually there are two reactions. We tell this person that this behavior is not okay and since it isn’t stopping we are getting out of the relationship or we press the mute button on ourselves and stay in this often unhealthy situation.
The mute button is a great way to stay in a relationship with someone you love but who you don’t agree with on major life things. You might not agree with them on religion, on faith, or the way that they are treating you. Anytime your inner voice says that this is not okay, this is not right, you need to get out of this situation you simply tell your inner voice to be quiet and that you loe this person way too much to get out of this relationship. You might even tell this inner voice that you will DIE without this person in your life. Does your inner voice know that this person is your best friend and that you talk with them every day? Does your inner voice know that this person has known you for a long time? What the heck does your inner voice know anyway?!
Our inner voice is what make us who we are. Sometimes our inner voice gets lost in the busyness of life. We are constantly coming and going and on a nonstop hectic pace that sometimes or inner voice gets lost. That is why it is important to slow down, relax, and let our inner voice speak in those quiet moments.
After the breakup with my first boyfriend I remember feeling incredibly uncomfortable by myself. If I was not occupied doing something I felt restless and insecure. It dawned on me that I had lost touch with myself. I was so uncomfortable with my inner voice because I had shut it off. I didn’t know what my inner voice sounded like anymore.
It is important to take the necessary precautions to insure that this does not happen. Make sure you spend quiet time with yourself at least once a week. Have appropriate boundaries. Journal. Meditate. The key is to make sure you know what your inner voice sounds like and that you know who you are. You can lose your voice more easily if you do not know who you are.
Have a great rest of your week!